On Social Relationships (ASK)

▲ Action #1 of 5 ▼

Timothy So:

Connect: Connect with the people around you – family, friends, colleagues and neighbors. Regard these people as the foundation of your life and spend time in developing these relationships. These connections will support and enrich you in your daily life.

Connecting with others creates the opportunity to regulate feelings of distress. In my last essay, Death, Depression, Firefighters, Great Friends, I discuss when we practice helping others with stress and taking advantage of the help of others. We all suffer loss. Connect is a means of coping.

[Much of my writing is focused on our three primary domains of drive and motivation - Achievement, Social Relationships, Knowledge - ASK. This link discusses Social Relationships.]

Comments

[Gayle McCain]

Cole,

In this busy world, people who live alone have to put forth far more effort to connect than do people who live within the community of family or a close knit neighborhood. It is so easy to say "connect" it's harder to give yourself permission to leave the house and make those connections. When you're struggling with depression it may be overwhelming to put forth the effort it takes to make the deep meaningful connection that is so healing.

That's not to say, don't go for it. Just that it isn't quite as simple as it looks.

Gayle McCain

[Cole Bitting]

Gayle,

Thanks for your comment. I very much agree with you: it is much easier to say "connect" than to do it, especially when depression drains so much energy.

We often want our connections to be deep and meaningful so we will feel safe when we open up and express what's ravaging our world, and so we will feel appropriate when we ask someone to share our burden and walk with us for a while. Interestingly, we when have these deep connections, we end up reluctant to open up for fear of driving these people away. We put ourselves in a bind: we limit our opportunity to talk about our problems and to benefit from interpersonal sociobiological regulation, from having someone listen to our problems.

One solution to this bind is anonymity. It's why confession and journaling can be helpful. It's why we might tell a stranger on a plane our sordid life story. It's why some people walk into an empty bar near closing, have a couple of drinks and tell it all to the bartender.

The most effective approaches to finding relief is not necessarily to "connect," but rather to talk to someone who will listen. Sometimes, those are people who share the same bind or circumstance, just strangers who are willing to relate.

"Talk" is much easier than "connect."